


a little too not over you

by cherryjaem



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aged up characters, Angst, Exes, M/M, Smoking, implied seungjin, letting go, past seungsung
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-10-10 20:06:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20533826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryjaem/pseuds/cherryjaem
Summary: One breath in and one breath out. Let go. Look away. Smile.





	a little too not over you

**Author's Note:**

> [tuanpark](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tuanpark/profile) and i wanted more seungsung fics, so we decided to write them. Here's my little contribution to the seungsung tag! Sorry it had to be angst, though 😭 it was a nice and refreshing break from writing seungjin fics, and i look forward to writing more seungsung because this ship is seriously so underrated 😭 i hope you guys will...enjoy(?) reading the fic.

Baby, we need to talk

'Cause I think that it's time I walk away

\- Mad at you - Noah Cyrus

  
  
  
  


“I don’t know what’s the point of us doing this,” Seungmin says as soon as he enters the vehicle and settles himself in the passenger seat of Jisung’s car. He carries a familiar scent with him- light and soft white tea with a hint of vanilla, and Jisung is instantly brought back to the memories of the nights where he held Seungmin in his arms, hushed whispers talking about nothing and everything at once, of warm touches and soothing voice lulling Jisung to sleep. It's overwhelming, to the point that makes Jisung want to lean over and swoop the younger guy into a hug. He doesn't, though. Jisung knows who he is, where he stands in Seungmin's life, the boundaries separating them both. Jisung leans over the steering wheel instead to observe the weather outside. It's only 14 minutes past 9. The night is quiet and dark, with no stars and the moon in sight. The rain is sure to pour this evening. Jisung can feel it in his bones.

“For old time’s sake,” Jisung belatedly answers, lips curling into a lopsided smile as he turns his head to Seungmin. Uncertainties reflect in the younger's eyes as he stares right back at Jisung, exhaustion in the press of his lips and the bags under his eyes. Jisung's heart aches for him and _for_ him. The itch in his hands is ignored by gripping on the steering wheel hard. _One breath in and one breath out. Let go. Look away. Smile._ "We don't have to do this if you don't want to. You know that, right?" he reminds Seungmin, letting him know that Seungmin does have a choice and a say in this. It's just a day that will come again the following year and another. It won't hurt any of them to skip it, although Jisung is not really against the idea of spending it with Seungmin either. After all, it's Seungmin's birthday. He'd like to celebrate it with Seungmin, even if only for a few hours.

He's never missed Seungmin's birthday before– perhaps only that one time when things were still awkward between them after they broke up, and then two years in a row when Seungmin's flown to Boston to study there but their relationship after the breakup had gotten better by then, so they did facetime during those birthdays. They celebrated by buying cakes and eating them together through the screen of their phones, and then talked and talked until one of them fell asleep because of the time difference. Jisung smiles at the memory. More often than not, Jisung wishes he could go back to the past, back to when it was just Seungmin and him, together and in love. Jisung hates himself for that- for not being able to move on and yet he can’t let go.

“It’s okay,” Seungmin decides after a while, breaking the silence and breaking Jisung off from his thoughts. Jisung feels something bloom in his chest seeing Seungmin's lips curled into a small smile, making him smile as well.

"You've told Hyunjin, yeah?" Jisung asks to make sure. “You guys have no plans together tonight?”

“Not really,” Seungmin assures. “We spent the whole morning and afternoon together. He’s going to sleep early tonight because he has an early day tomorrow.”

“Ahh, I see.”

“Yeah,” Seungmin nods and looks away. His stare is faraway when he looks out the window and Jisung finds himself tripping into the darkness again without Seungmin’s bright smile, cold and alone without the reassuring presence of his warmth beside him even though he’s still there, right next to Jisung in the car. Seungmin has been a little distant lately- perhaps has been for a while now if Jisung was to be honest with himself. He doesn’t blame Seungmin. How could he, really, when it’s his fault they end up like this in the first place?

“Do you want to get something to eat?” Jisung asks. It’s awfully awkward and painful, this situation they’re in. The air is heavy with unspoken words and buried feelings, and Jisung has to swallow everything in from spilling out of his mouth because he doesn’t want to make it worse for the both of them.

“I’ve already had my dinner,” is what Seungmin says. “Have you?”

“Yeah,” Jisung says. He hasn’t. He’s not hungry. Not for food anyways.

“Maybe just something to drink then?”

“Sure,” Jisung agrees easily. _One breath in, one breath out. Clench hands into fists and unclench. Smile and drive away, and hope to reach his heart on this broken road._

_Don't cry if you don't reach there._

~*~

With nowhere else to go after getting their drinks from a random cafe, Jisung brings them to the Han river.

The silence is felt in the empty park, only the sound of their footsteps accompanying them and a glaring distance separating them both. It's cold with the coming of fall. Jisung isn't properly dressed for the weather, but at least Seungmin is- he's wearing a jacket that's two sizes too big on him but it looks comfy and warm and the sweater paws it gives Seungmin makes him look cute and way younger than his age. It makes Jisung want to snuggle him and share body warmth together, but he's content just looking from a distance. He has no choice but to be.

They find a bench and take a seat- Jisung on one end, Seungmin on the other. Jisung pretends it doesn't hurt. He drinks his iced americano and feels shivers run down his spine. For a while, neither of them wants to be the one to break the silence. At least it's not an uncomfortable one, so they just bask themselves in the tranquility of the moment.

Jisung gets fidgety after a while, though. It's hard to ignore the tremors that start in his heart and spread to the rest of his body, so he takes a pack of cigarette out from his pocket and puts a cancer stick in between his lips.

"Smoking is bad for you," Seungmin comments from the side. Jisung snorts at this. He can feel Seungmin watching every one of his moves from the corner of his eyes, but he doesn't look back at the younger guy. In fact, he fishes his lighter out next and lights up the stick.

Jisung takes a deep inhale of the cigarette and closes his eyes, trapping the smoke and letting it circulate in his lungs for a few seconds before blowing it out again. He welcomes the warmth and comfort it brings, the calmness seeping into his being with every suck of the cigarette and for a second, Jisung forgets he's not alone until a hand snatches the stick from him. Jisung opens his eyes in shock, and they widen even more at Seungmin bringing the cigarette stick into his mouth to have a smoke. Something about the image of Seungmin taking the smoke without problem looks so foreign and wrong to Jisung, because this isn't the Seungmin he knows. Seungmin doesn't (didn't?) smoke, and if he does now, when did it start? It bothers Jisung that he knows nothing about this.

"You smoke?" Jisung asks dumbly, watching the little puffs of smoke surrounding Seungmin. Smoking is a bad habit and guilty pleasure of Jisung. Even though Jisung tries not to smoke in Seungmin's presence, the urges are always hard to fight. Seungmin _hated_ smoking and hated it more when Jisung smokes around him, but he never really did anything about it aside from the occasional nagging and advice to try to get Jisung to smoke less. Seungmin was always so understanding of him, loved Jisung enough to let him make decisions for himself. Sometimes, Jisung wishes Seungmin was harder on him, wishes Seungmin would have been a little more selfish, because maybe then Seungmin would have said no and fought Jisung not to let him-and what they had- go so easily when Jisung ended things between them both.

Seungmin is the one who snorts this time. His gaze doesn't meet with Jisung's– it's staring at the dark and cold river ahead of them instead. "Only for a while when I was in Boston," Seungmin confesses. "It was hard being there and I was lonely. And I...I would miss you a lot. I started smoking because it reminds me of you. The smell and taste. It's stupid now in retrospect. But it helped me cope. Made it feel like you were there, like you were near me," he smiles. It's small and wistful but enough to make Jisung's hands start to tremble again. Jisung doesn't know what to do with this revelation, doesn't even know if he could do anything about it anymore. He's stunned into a complete silence, heartbeat loud in his ears and something akin to regret crawling up his skin. "I stopped after 2 years. You should, too," Seungmin says. He throws the stick onto the ground and scuff the remaining burn with his sneakers.

"Seungmin…" One breath in and one breath out. A flick of suspiciously misty eyes at Jisung and teeth chewing on the bottom lip. Jisung swallows the lump down his throat. "Can I come closer?" he manages with a small voice. Seungmin's eyes search for Jisung's. Jisung doesn't know if Seungmin finds what he's looking for, but Jisung lets out the breath he doesn't know he's holding in when Seungmin nods his head a yes. It isn't the relieving kind, but it's close to that. Jisung slides closer to where Seungmin is seated and in a moment of bravery, he takes Seungmin's hand in his. Seungmin lets him, and Jisung is thankful Seungmin doesn't push him away.

There's a lot of things Jisung wants to say to Seungmin, but everything cumulates and is summed up into a simple but loaded "I'm sorry." Sorry- for letting you go. For ending everything. For being a coward instead of fighting harder for our love. For making you wait. Sorry things didn't work out between us. Sorry for _everything. _Jisung thinks Seungmin understands what he's trying to say because the younger guy is smiling at him, wide and sincere and uplifting. _Jisung_ understands then, that he's been long forgiven by Seungmin because he's kind and sweet and selfless and understanding like that.

"Thank you," Seungmin says in return. Thank you for being a part of my life. For making me happy. For teaching me what it's like to love and be loved. For being a friend. For still being here. Thank you for _everything. _Deep inside, there's always been a small flame of hope Jisung often decides to ignore, but on some days, he's careless enough to let it turn into a blaze, only to end up burning him and suffocating him with the smoke. Right now, as Seungmin interlaces their fingers together, Jisung finds the small flame in danger of being put out completely and never to return ever again when he feels a circular band on Seungmin's ring finger. Jisung understands then that this is Seungmin letting go, this is him closing a chapter in his life and moving to a new one.

"Hyunjin proposed to me, and I said yes," Seungmin says, confirming the question in Jisung's head. The smile never leaves Seungmin's face. 

"Does he make you happy?" is Jisung's only question. 

"Happiest I've ever been," the smile on Seungmin's face stretches into a grin, with pink dusting his cheeks. He looks so divine like this, so, _so _happy and in love. Jisung's heart soars at the sight and then sinks at the fact that he will never be the one to make Seungmin this happy anymore. But Jisung _loves_ Seungmin enough to let Seungmin be happy with someone who isn't him, loves Seungmin enough to be happy for him even though everything hurts, because Seungmin is an important person in his life and his happiness matters to Jisung.

"Then I'm happy for you," Jisung tells Seungmin. He brings their connected hands up so he could softly press his lips on the back of Seungmin's hand. _One breath in and one breath out. Your journey ends here. You're close to his heart but will never be close enough, so wish him nothing but the best (because he deserves only the best) and put a lantern on the flame, and let it float up, up, up._ "Congratulations and happy birthday. You're still one of the best things that ever happened to me."

"Thank you and likewise," Seungmin offers him a fond smile.

"I'm invited to the wedding, right?"

"Of course you are," Seungmin gives a watery laugh. Seungmin lets go of Jisung's hand so he could cup both of his hands on Jisung's cheeks. They stare into each other's eyes for a bit, and then Seungmin is leaning forward to press a kiss on Jisung's forehead. It feels so soft and a lot like goodbyes. "I love you, Ji," Seungmin murmurs. "I always have and always will," he adds. Seungmin loves him, but not in the way Jisung wants him to and that's okay. Jisung will be grateful and content of it the same.

"I love you too, Seung," Jisung replies, his voice barely above a whisper. And then Seungmin leaves. He lied about Hyunjin going to sleep early because they actually _do_ have something planned for the last hour of Seungmin's birthday. Hyunjin had went to Han river himself to pick Seungmin up. Jisung watches the love of his life leave to be with the love of _his _life.

A drop of rain hits him right on the cheek. Jisung looks up at the sky and feels more rain drops falling in a steady rhythm. He doesn't move to find shelter for himself. _One breath in and one breath out. Let go_— and he does. The sound of the rain pouring heavily drowns out the sound of his screams and sobs.

_One breath in and one breath out. Pretend it's the rain trickling down your cheeks instead of your tears._


End file.
